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I long for freedom, and when I get it, I don't know what I'm going to do with it, but I will surely be happy.

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Saturday, July 31, 2010
and i have made it.
end of story.

I don't know if I'm thinking sreight or just freaking out!
I'm weighing all my choices and for some reason I keep coming to the conclusion that I don't wanna go.
I sound cowerd and stupid to myself,but I'm so panicking about living alone,about being away from my family,something is telling me I'm gonna be broken.
When I first applied for the scholarship I was convinced I'm not going,but I applied anyway just to see where this may go,and where my place is in spanish,and now it feels like I'm forcing myself to think that this is my best choice,well what if it's not?!what if it was better for me to stay??
I've prayed estikhara over and over again,I wish god could give me a clear sign!I wish someone would force me to do something..anything!
Very cowerdly I'm saying:I don't wanna go but I need someone other than myself to blame about making the decision!!!
Somebody shoot me.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Yes the idea of the post is stolen from a thread in Mahjoob.com :P
but I really mean it,thank you for being a good friend EcoSan,I will never forget your patience and generosity.
a rose for you..

Thursday, July 29, 2010

I did not pay my tuition today,hoping i'd recieve the invitation from the university of Granada next week.

I think this is it,I was in denial until today,I am really going to Spain for five months!

I'm going for real!!it sounds big and as if it was happening to someone else

But,I think I want to go.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010

This is a list of my favorite smells(not in order)

I always say there should be a camera for smells,fortunatly I have a good nose and unlike other things I can remember smells perfectly

List to be updated:

1- green apple,that's why i always buy shampoo that's green apple scented and sleep with my hair wrapping my face..I adore it!

2-newly printed books and magazines,people freak out cause I always randomly stop to sniff a book or a mag,it's really crazy but it brings back memories of school I guess..it just has roots in my life.

3-the smell of the beginning of the winter,perhaps I can describe this one,it is like wet soil and wet leaves combined togather,it blows with the wind really early in the morning..it's perfect.

4-the smell of Ramadan,that i can not describe!and I think it differs from a person to another,to me it is a combination of everything I love about this annual magic called Ramadan,including the smell of my mom's cooking,bakhour,dates,qatayef,automn,and so many things!

5-the smell of my late grandpa's house,may he rest in peace..it smelled CLEAN!like it has been washed over and over again with soap!and also it smells like old wood that has been cleaned too,and a plant called "Ree7an" which my grandpa loved..everytime i put on a sweater that has just been washed i remember him,god have mercy on his good soul.

6-the smell of rain,snow and cold wind,which are things that are pure and flawless,and when they come you can't deny their dominant smell,it's so pure and amazing that it brings tears to my eyes!

7-today i smelled this last favorite smell of mine in the buss,I don't know where it came from,I really don't know what to call it,it's the combination of soap,cigarettes and a light kind of a manly perfume,the kind they combine at stores,it's warm,deep and savage,it makes my heart shiver!
Monday, July 26, 2010

Today was really weird..I wonder what is this I'm feeling right now,it was fun though.

I like this song.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

i love my sisters so much but sometimes i feel life didn't give us the chance to learn about it enough
ok,so this morning i woke up thinking about it(not having any clue why all of this is hapenning right now!)

it doesn't seem so big and important now but i'm really confused

we always had that bond,i mean we would stick to each other no matter what,even if we were fighting it would be understood that we're on the same team,but last night was BAD..i mean really baddddddd

words have been put in my mouth!!i mean god,me out of all people??!!

i'm really disappointed and the problem is i feel matters of the family shouldn't be discussed with anyone outside the family that's why i can't find anyone to consult

i hope it was a mistake...i hope things would calm down

ramadan is coming..that's good.
Friday, July 23, 2010

Spent a wonderful evening at my house yesterday.
It was a perfect weather and we sat on the roof and talked,it was so much fun.
I'm really sad Elise is leaving soon though!and i felt she was really upset her parents wouldn't let her stay,and i could see the sadness in her eyes when Elizabeth was talking about her new job and her classes in the fall semester..
but we had fun anyway,they discovered Miranda lol,obviously they don't have it in the US!
also when i was asking them if they want Niscafe,Elise said:"what's that?"
and Elizabeth replied:"it's a great kind of coffee say yes!!"

we're going out to down town on Sunday en sha allah,hopefully we'll have a blast ^_^
Wednesday, July 21, 2010

When I was a kid I used to be insanely in love with him,I used to watch his movies over and over again with my dad(who's just a big fan looool).
Anyway,I used to be crazy about him,and whenever I saw him on TV I would go on daydreaming about him and I getting married LOL
One time my big sister told everyone : "Sara is in love with Abdel-Haleem Hafiz!"
and everyone started to laugh at me,and they said:"he's dead darling!"
and god!did I cry that day!!my heart was broken,and I decided I'll hate my sister forever lol.

But now,having grown up and everything,I think he still represents something precious and very dear to my heart,and in a way he represents some of my prince charming..the sensitive guy,the artist,the confident passionate kind person that loves dearly and with all his heart.
God have mercy on his soul,he is really a legend.

I'm choosing this one to post because i think it's very honest:

Monday, July 19, 2010
Beautiful poetry,what a sensitive amazing poet..
I loved this book!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Why don't they get to be together while others can?!!!

he is so perfect for her!and she is the only one he wants!!

why is everything so gross and ugly!!
I'm just so mad! :(

oh dear Lulu,i just wanna cry for you!!

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Yeah,I think I do!
I'm used to immediately dislike super soft delicate girls,but I've come to know this one and she is really really NICE!I mean extra nice..I mean to the point that you cannot not like her!lol
I think I'm slowly gasping the idea that she has become part of our family,and I like the air of femininity and sweetness she brings to it..

So,I'm officially welcoming my new sister in law aboard..welcome Duha! :)

A rose for you..I know you like these ;)
Friday, July 16, 2010

Empezaron los problemas
se engancho a la pena
se aferro a la soledad
ya no mira las estrellas
mira sus ojeras
cansada de pelear.

Olvidandose de todo
busca algun modo
de encontrar su libertad
el cerrojo que le aprieta
le pone cadenas
y nunca descansa en paz
y tu dignidad se a quedado esperando a que vuelvas


Que nadie calle tu verdad
que nadie te ahogue el corazon
que nadie te haga mas llorar
hundiendote en silencio
que nadie te obligue a morir
cortando tu alas al volar
que vuelvan tus ganas de vivir

En el tunel del espanto
todo se hace largo
cuando se iluminara
amarrado a su destino
va sin ser testigo
de tu lento caminar

Tienen hambre sus latidos
pero son sumisos
y suenan a su compas
la alegria traicionera
le cierra la puerta
o se sienta en su sofa
y tu dignidad se a quedado esperando a que vuelva


Que nadie calle tu verdad
que nadie te ahogue el corazon
que nadie te haga mas llorar
mintiendote en silencio
que nadie te obligue a morir
cortando tus alas al volar
que vuelvan tus ganas de vivir

Que nadie calle tu verdad
que nadie te ahogue el corazon
que nadie te haga mas llorar
hundiendote en silencio
que nadie te obligue a morir
cortando tus alas al volar
que vuelvan tus ganas de vivir...

Thursday, July 15, 2010
Avellaneda died..just like that!
I'm heart broken..

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I hate the way you talk to me,

and the way you cut your hair.

I hate the way you drive my car,

I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots

and the way you read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me sick,

it even makes me rhyme.

I hate the way you're always right,

I hate it when you lie.

I hate it when you make me laugh,

even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it when you're not around,

and the fact that you didn't call.

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,

not even close

not even a little bit

not even at all.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Dices, que no es tan difícil olvidar, dime yo como te olvido

Y me abrazará la soledad, mientras yo sueño contigo
Si tú no estás como respiro, como respiro
Como recuperar un amor perdido

Dime lo que tienes que no aguanto que me esta doliendo el corazón
Sin razón sigo presa en la cárcel de tus recuerdos
Dime lo que tienes que no aguanto, que me estoy muriendo si tu amor
Por favor llévate este dolor y este sufrimiento

Como te olvido
Grises, son los días desde que no estás, que cruel es este castigo
Yo te lo di todo y al final mi sueño no se ha cumplido
Me siento débil y vacío, muero de frío
Como voy a olvidar este amor prohibido

Dime lo que tienes que no aguanto que me esta doliendo el corazón
Sin razón sigo presa en la cárcel de tus recuerdos
Dime lo que tienes que no aguanto, que me estoy muriendo si tu amor
Por favor llévate este dolor y este sufrimiento

Dime, dímelo amor, como olvido
Dime, dímelo amor como olvido

Hay quien dice que no existe un dolor peor que el olvido
Pero duele más no poder olvidar

Dime lo que tienes que no aguanto que me esta doliendo el corazón
Sin razón sigo presa en la cárcel de tus recuerdos
Dime lo que tienes que no aguanto, que me estoy muriendo si tu amor
Por favor llévate este dolor y este sufrimiento

Dime, hay pero dime….
Dime lo que tienes que no aguanto, que me estoy muriendo si tu amor
Por favor llévate este dolor y este sufrimiento

I've been passionately reading this book for the last couple of days and it just won't stop amazing me!great writer,amazing book,so personal,smart,normal and yet extraordinary!!
i loved this:

"وبأي شيء سيواجه أحدنا مناسبة تحتاج إلى القلب وكل ما فيه ؟ثم إن حفيظتي تثور أمام التكلف , والتكلف في نظري هو ذلك الأمر بالذات :المضي دائما والقلب محمول على راحة اليد .فماذا يبقى لمن يبكي كل يوم عندما تحل به فجيعة كبرى , واحدة من الفجائع التي تحتاج أقصى مالدينا من القدرة ؟صحيح أن المرء يستطيع الانتحار , ولكنه يبقى في نهاية المطاف حلا بائسا .أعني من المستحيل العيش في أزمة دائمة , وان نصطنع انفعالا يغرق أحدنا ( مثل حمام يومي ) في احتضارات صغيرة متواصلة.إن السيدات الطيبات يقلن عادة بروح اقتصادهن السيكولوجي إنهن لا يذهبن إلى السينما لمشاهدة أفلام حزينة لأن الحياة فيها ما يكفي من المرارة وهن محقات إلى حد ما :ففي الحياة ما يكفي من المرارة لكي لا نكون بكائين ,متدللين , وهستيرين , لمجرد أن شيئا قد اعترض طريقنا ومنعنا من مواصلة نزهتنا نحو السعادة التي تكون أحيانا مجاورة للهراء" 0.

"توقفت أمس عن الكتابة بعد أن سجلت ما قالته لي.لم أواصل لأني أردت ليومي المكتوب أن ينتهي هكذا،بخفقة الأمل تلك."
و أنا اللآن لا أتحدث عنها كثيراً أيضاً،لأنني أخشى أن أخطىء،أخشى أن أتحدث عن شخصية أخرى لا علاقة بها بزوجتي.
هل سيصل الأمر بابيينادا الى نسياني هكذا؟و هنا يكمن السر:فقبل أن يبدأ أحدنا بالنسيان عليه أن يتذكر البدء بالتذكر."
"ان هذا البحر هو شكل من أشكال الأبدية"

it has easily made it to my top favorite books list :)

Sunday, July 11, 2010

we wonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you deserve the glory guys!!!it was one beautiful game!
I'm too happy to say anything else right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is one of these feelings I have to suffer for just being born a woman.
i remember the post I wrote a while ago about women being stupid for having that thing for men,that eternal immortal need,and that empty place in the puzzle that has to be filled with the right piece.
I don't think i expressed it exactly the way i wanted then.
what i wanted to say is..why can't i really just do what I want without feeling I'm leaving something behind?it's like when you spend a normal day working but with an inevitable enormous feeling of having forgotten something but you can't remember what it was.
In my case i know what it is,that's why I'm just confused,I'm almost sure that is NOT what i want right now and that is not a priority for me.
But i cannot get over this feeling of complete hollowness
How can i be happy then...this is all just a pain!it is really just BUGGING me!
I wish i was a guy,i just don't understand this.

la e3terad 3ala 7ekmetak ya rab!

On a side note,don't you agree that the people dancing in this video are completely pointless?
I love this guy's voice though :P

Friday, July 9, 2010

yesterday my grandpa,grandma,uncle and aunts left after staying for almost a month here in Amman to celebrate my brother's wedding with us
i never really got to know my aunts because in the times that i visited Nablus I'd stayed at my uncle's and just give them quick visits,and they never come to Amman so...
this time,i really got to know them and to know the amazing women ,the great mothers,the funny,sensitive,sweet and caring creatures they are,i just love them,and love the idea that i have them,it gives me extra power,extra sense of roots and extra feeling of having spiritual source of wisdom and love.
I'm glad i really met them at last,and hopefully i will spend Ramadan in Nablus en sha allah before i leave to Spain.
we're gonna have so much fun! :)
Wednesday, July 7, 2010

you made it boys!!!!
i am so happy for you Spain!!!you just made history!!!
i love you,go for the cup!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:D

yesterday,i was at my damn tourisim class feeling like i was hit by a bus

i've been suffering horrible sleepiness all the time i guess because i stopped taking my medicine all of a sudden

and i'm not talking about "i'm tired"-sleepy

i'm talking about "i can't keep my head up and my eyes open"-sleepy

so i'm at the class sitting in the middle of a row,closing my eyes while leaning farward.. and this jerk(my pervert professor) reaches his hand to touch ME!!!

and in a spontanious instant reaction i moved away to the back of my chair and away from his disgusting hand..and he was actually shocked that i did that(how could i resist all this magic!!)

and like a shmug he reaches and trys to touch my face again,and again i move away in disgust with a look of complete irritation and shock on my face,and he says:"what's the matter,i just wanna see if you have a tempreture!!!!"

an oh my god-moment

and i was like:do not touch me!!i'm just a little tired that's all!

and the whole class begins to giggle,god he looked like $hit LOL

after class they were all like:"we loved what you did"and whatever

but i mean..i know he's an asshole and everything,but why didn't you stand up for yourself too??why did you let him abuse your personal space ... to simply violate your privacy and freedom of not being considered a piece of meet??

why was it such a shock that i didn't let him disrespect me ?

why was i the first one and the only one to say no?because of the "A"?

if that's the price you're putting for the right of touching your body by a complete pervert stranger then congratulations 7abebty,tet.hanny feeha la hal A
Monday, July 5, 2010

i've never ever had a worse semester in my life,i've no idea what to do,i feel like i'm gonna fail both classes!
first i've linguistics at 9 am(which i have to wake up really early to catch and i haven't done that in about 3 semesters!),the professor as i imagine used to be constantly hit and abused by his mother who ate childrien for dinner everyday...i know you probably think i'm one of those students who blame everything on the teacher,but i swear to god this one is just evil!
in the three years i've studied at JU not once i was asked to leave the class,this semester i was KICKED out twice because he felt like doing it,until now i'm just wondering what did i do or what did he imagine i did in both times...and despite all of that,if he had a principle..if he was JUST LIKE THAT i would respect it and say he's just a grumpy old guy..allah y3eeno 3a 7alo..but the problem is it differs according to his mood mashallah!!and pretty girls find the perfect timing with the good mood...notice i am not mentioning his method of teaching..which is just beyond description...it was really supposed to be a fun class,i don't know what's happening and i'm so frustrated i can't even read in its book..

4 hours break(slowly killing my soul)

and then i have a class of tourisim in spanish..the teacher is actually the brother of the head of our department who is a great teacher,respectful man,intellegent and has great carisma..that's why i think this brother of him was switched at the hospital when born or something
let alone that his spanish is a little bit better than my chinese..and let alone that that is WHEN he decides to interrupt this class of arabic we're taking with some spanish AAAAND let alone that i do not understand a word when he's speaking ARABIC...that's all fine..i have had bad teachers before....or let's assume i'm just stupid..
but to be that disrespectful...that shameless..that sassy..that rude!!!!
to keep calling every girl in the class:pretty,beautiful,habibati!!!!
to touch girls as if you don't know it's not convenient,to pritend you're just patting their shoulders or innocently messing with their hair!!OH MY GOD you are such a pervert!
to try to pritend it's just something you picked up from living in Europe is just not working pal!
OH GOD OH GOD i hate this semester!!!!:((((
i don't know what to dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Sunday, July 4, 2010
i think these are one of the best lyrics I've ever heard..
it doesn't come out as beautiful in English nor is my translation is good but i felt like sharing it,listen to it even if you don't speak spanish :)

Vuelve a ser mi cumpleaños:my birthday comes once again

y en mi mesa habrá dos platos:and 2 plates will be on my table
Aunque sepa que esta vez tú no vendrás:although i know this time you will not come
Sólo quiero de regalo dar la vuelta al calendario:the only gift i want is to turn over the calendar
Para que estos años pasen hacia atrás:so that these years would pass backwards
Cumpliría un año menos :i would grow a year less

y al soplar daría fuego A las velas que pusiste en el pastel:and with a blow i would light up the candles you placed on the cake

Tras invierno vendrá otoño:winter would come after fall

tras septiembre vendrá agosto:and after september august
Y mañana será un poco más ayer:and tomorrow will be more like yesterday
Para qué quiero palabras si ya no te canto a ti:what for would i want words,if i couldn't sing to you?
Para qué quiero mis labios si tus besos los perdí:what for would i want my lips,if i lost your kisses?
No quiero mis primaveras si no crecen tus violetas:i don't want any springs if your violates don't grow
Desde hoy creceré hasta que nací:from now on I'm growing up until i was born

Volveríamos al día más feliz de nuestra vida:we would go back to the happiest day of our lives
Y otra vez sería la primera vez:and once again it would be the first time
A mis ojos volvería cada lágrima caída,Sobre el telegrama urgente de pape:every tear that had fallen over that urgent telegram paper would come back to my eyes

Las noticias contarían que las balas regresaron:the news would announce that the bullets came back
A esas armas que apuntaron a matar:to those weapons that were pointed to kill
Volverían a la vida las voces que disentían:the voices that dissented would come back to life
Y con ellas algo más de libertad:and a little bit of freedom would come back as well
Para qué quiero palabras si ya no te canto a ti:what for would i want words,if i couldn't sing to you?
Para qué quiero mis labios si tus besos los perdí:what for would i want my lips,if i lost your kisses?
No quiero mis primaveras si no crecen tus violetas:i don't want any springs if your violates don't grow

Desde hoy creceré hasta que nací:from now on i'm growing up until i was born
Y para qué quiero yo el aire si tu aliento no está aquí:what for would i want air if your breath isn't here
Para qué quiero mis manos si no te tocan a ti:what for would i want my hands if i can't touch you?
No quiero mis primaveras si no crecen tus violetas:i don't want any springs if your violates don't grow
Desde hoy creceré hasta que nací:from now on i'm growing up until i was born

Friday, July 2, 2010

toto gave me this song the other day
it tells the story of an astronaut whose space ship lost connection with the earth,and she is describing her last moments as she was waiting for death!
she says she was watching the earth from the window,it looked like a tiny blue dot lost among millions of sparks in the space,and she thought that she had once lived there,she thought about her civilization,about humanity
she took off the flag from her suit and wrote on the back:"i am a human"
beautiful song indeed,but it brings a storm of useless questions in my head,what will i be thinking about in my last moments?
what will it be like if i had to wait for death?
will i be thinking about humanity like her?,i don't think so lol
what's worthy of thinking about using my last breath,my last blood cells,my last brain chemistry?
all i can think about is GOD,he is the only stable thing in my life,and without him it'll just be useless
the thought of him not existing makes my world darken,because then everything will be worthless,pointless,and simply sad.
it's simple and not some new creative thing,but god!i'm so happy i have it!!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

so the wedding is over
the wedding lunch invitation is over
the worst has passed,it's been really really horrible for some time..but now we can get back to our normal life and stop that constant chaos and noise we were living in..
as i was changing after we got back from the wedding,i took a look at my dress on the bed,lying there pointlessly
i was thinking about the past three hours,and how my family has been planning for them for the past 5 months,and how i went through so much trouble in choosing y dress,my sandals,my accessories,my make up,and my hair due!!this is what i went through for only being the sister of the groom,what about the bride then?
no need to go talking about what my parents went through of course
and my question was:why??..i mean what's the point??
the wedding turned out to be three hours of pure....NORMAL!... pretty normal,almost exactly like any other wedding only even more boring and cheesy lol
but my point is what matters is the life they will be spending together,i just wish they've put attention and hard work in choosing each other like they did with choosing the color of the invitation cards
i can never imagine myself going through all of this,if i ever get married i don't want a wedding!
PS too bad this song has become just cheesy