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I long for freedom, and when I get it, I don't know what I'm going to do with it, but I will surely be happy.

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Tuesday, August 31, 2010

I could never bring these words together to express it!I loved this definition,although it seems easy to explain this wonderful way of worshiping god,but it's really not.


Muslim men and women across the world are currently observing Ramadan, a month long celebration of self-purification and restraint. During Ramadan, the Muslim community fast, abstaining from food, drink, smoking and sex between sunrise and sunset. Muslims break their fast after sunset with an evening meal called Iftar, where a date is the first thing eaten followed by a traditional meal. During this time, Muslims are also encouraged to read the entire Quran, to give freely to those in need, and strengthen their ties to God through prayer. The goal of the fast is to teach humility, patience and sacrifice, and to ask forgiveness, practice self-restraint, and pray for guidance in the future. This year, Ramadan will continue until Thursday, September 9th.

Monday, August 30, 2010

One thing I hate so much about summer(which I already said many times how much I hate it)is sun-burns.
I've always been really vulnerable to sun light,I burn really easily,and by the end of May I always develop what we call in Arabic "the gypsy line",which is a line separating the areas of the skin that haven't been burned from the ones that have...no need to say it is ugly!

I usually don't complain much about it though,but lately I've started my skin treatment-exactly one month ago- and the medications I'm currently on make my skin even more vulnerable and weak against the sun,I cannot afford ruining all the hard work(and it's really expensive btw),anyway,our vacation will soon come to an end,and back to uni...I will be constantly exposed to the sun again.
I was telling my dad about it today when he simply said "why don't you hold un umbrella!"..my first super automatic immediate answer was "NOOOO!"
Oh dad,have you forgotten how people in Jordan are like?!they wouldn't just mock me,they would stare,point,laugh,whisper,and even ask me to give it up.

I don't wanna lie and say I don't care about what people think because I do sometimes,and most of all I hate being in the spot light,I hate being stared at it really makes me nervous.

But people will look,and they will giggle,even if they knew deep down that it's a good idea!
The funny thing about this is that an umbrella is called in Arabic "شمسية" or "مظلة"
the first one is derived from the word "shams" which means SUN,and the second is derived from the word "thell" which means SHADE,so there ya go!!

I know all of this sounds lame and not worth it,but it's really causing a psychological crisis for me,cause this is a test for my self confidence and indifference to what people think,but I can't seem to pass it! :(

So now I'm thinking that the only way is the old-fashioned one...hiding in a group,being one of many who are being mocked and laughed at..that always works,at least for me!
I'm spreading the word for everyone to join,how about we all do it and see what happens?how about we share our stories and support each other?

So who's with me?who's in?help me!!please!! T_T
Sunday, August 29, 2010

BEHOLD... Rain's Mloo5eiieh!!

AAAnd chicken comes with it too!

Guess what!all that talk about how hard and tiring cooking is...it's just bored housewives whining
It's easy,it's fun,and it feels great eating what YOU have made!
It is total my new thing :D
Saturday, August 28, 2010

Now What?...this is a serious question!

What do you do after you get what you want?

I remember one time my friend and I were talking about something we thought was funny in movies...the hero would scream in vectory at the end,and AAHHH!!! the screen would turn black and the names start to rush from the bottom...but in reality what happens is that the director yells:CUT! and the actor stops screaming and they all go home and simple:life goes on..cause life does not and will not stop for anyone

Nomatter how much you want something you always have to remember the question of what will you do after it,this is just for me to remember,cause sometimes I forget it..

This whole situation is like when I see a cute dress at the store and can't resist buying it,I buy it and take it home,try it on and everything ... but find out then that I can't wear it..at least not anytime soon.

Back to the question:Now What???

Moral of the story:

Do not rush into things because you're excited about them..think about what's coming ahead and what's after!happy endings do not exist.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010

What I'm about to say is slightly horrible,God forgive me,but I wanna write about it anyway.
Today I found out that there were NO full scholarships to Granada anymore,I do not know why,but now the first three(which I was one of them before I gave it up) have to look for their own residencies and PAY for it!
I felt really bad for my friends,that was horrible for them,they really deserve a full scholarship more than anyone..and they were really looking forward to it.
But...I'm sorry for saying this but,I am so happy for me!!!
I prayed so hard for god to show me a sign telling me if i made the right decision or not,it was late but it came,if I hadn't given it up before I would now,because there's noway I'd go without residency.
I'm just relieved and happy now..Not that I wasn't satisfied about my decision but now I'm 100% sure.And I'm glad I made it based on what I felt.
But then again I wish the best of luck for my friends,may Allah be with them in every step!
God works in his mysterious ways! :)

Today we had Iftar at Toto's house as she is leaving in a couple of days to Spain for an entire period of 9 months.
We had so much fun,it was perfect!the food was great,we danced,talked and laughed our hearts out,you could never be bored with such group of girls :)
But right now I'm really sad :(
My bestest friend will be gone again!and when she'll come back I will have graduated and probably working en sha allah..so our best times at JU are over for good!!I can't even believe I just said that,it's so sad!I'm really already miserable
This was not supposed to be a sad post,I swear :S
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
So,I was face-booking the other day when I stumbled into a picture on one of my friends' profiles,it was a very well drawn cartoon(Japanese Manga style) that had a beautiful message,it was about Hijab.

Being a BIG fan of Manga..and a tiny amateur at drawing it;the idea just blew my mind away,I started googling for more,I wanted to know who drew this, and if there was more.

So after more than an hour of searching I had collected a beautiful set of Muslim Manga,I added them on my Facebook profile..I was so proud!there are actual real Manga artists who are Muslims!!and who draw for a cause!their work actually has a meaning and it's creative,fun and adorable to look at.

It simply became my new addiction,I'm trying real hard to imitate these and draw some,but I still have a lot to learn.Here are some of the best ones I've seen.

I was reading this article when I suddenly stopped and realized my sister in law is a perfect demonstration and a live example of what it's talking about.
I can't believe i never thought of it that way before!Ever since she got married her usual answer to everything was "I don't know how to!"
It's like I've always known that fact but couldn't really put it in an obvious "condition" or "category".
The problem is that it is really working for her!!she is literally laying all day long doing absolutely nothing while WE do all the work(that includes her husband-my brother).
She is always "scared of doing it","afraid to ruin everything",or just "not feeling like it"!
I hate this discovery because I really liked her at first,and to tell you the truth she is nice to talk to,but this is all just too much.
You know what?I feel like pulling something out on her..just to let her know I'm aware of what's going on..I've never been involved nor interested in nasaween things but this is war people!and I'm up for it!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Long story short..
I was going down the stairs when i suddenly slipped and fell and hit my back with the edge of the satire..
as i was falling i remember the only thought in my head was "please god make it easy"..
it was not easy...as soon as i was on the floor below i was paralyzed for several seconds,and i could not gasp for air...all i was thinking this time was "please god don't make me live handicapped!"
i was so scared that i started saying the "shahada" because i didn't think I'll be able to breath again...but i did...and as soon as i took a breath i was in a completely new state of mind....i was completely shocked that that happened,completely horrified and shaken
there was a really big bump in my back but i was able to get up and walk and say"thank you god!"i had to go to the doctor to make sure everything is OK,he gave me a shot of pain killer and told me to come back if the bump dose not disappear.
this time it was a different thought,i was thinking about how i became so annoyed about my skin not being completely clear lately and whining to my mother about it all the time...i was feeling stupid for not appreciating being healthy and clear of diseases..i'm not trying to make a big deal out of what happened..i mean i hope it's nothing but i was really terrified.
dear God,i promise i will not complain anymore!!never ever again!

I hate goodbyes.
I hate endings.
I don't feel like blogging these days :S
Saturday, August 14, 2010

I am an Arab woman.
I am worthless without a man.
If I do not get married before I'm thirty my life would be pointless and empty.
My only ambition in life is to be accepted by the society for how I look,how I act,and what I do with my life.
I am an Arab woman,I am an object that is displayed for potential buyers whenever it could be.
I crave acceptance from others even if I myself do not accept who I am.
I am an Arab woman...Others don't objectify me as much as I objectify myself.

Friday, August 13, 2010

I was going through the drafts in my email this morning,and god!you can find things from "forever" ago there!! I found this story that I wrote couple of years ago for a contest,and I though it might be worthy of posting here,although I think it's missing a lot of important elements and seriously needs to be rewritten.. But anyway,here,enjoy.....hopefully! :P

I never knew where she came from...I don't even remember when or why she started appearing at my window!
I think though, I started noticing her shortly after my wife left me and my daughter left to college.

At first, I just said good morning every day,not paying attention to that secret joy I felt for having someone waiting for me there.

weeks passed, and our relationship developed to take a strange path...I’d stare in her eyes for hours for no reason, and she'd just set there staring back and falling asleep every once in a while...
and it was really something! sitting with her gave me the ability to think in ways I’ve never thought in before,I even started wondering "could a soul be caged in that little body?! Behind those sharp blue eyes"...i could feel she was listening,and thinking...and understanding! She was my friend...No not my friend...my companion!

One day, she wasn't there, so I decided not to go to work and wait for her.
I waited,and waited....and my legs fell a sleep setting there all day long.
For two weeks she didn't appear, until one morning I heard her scratching the window glass with her tiny claws.
She was back, she had a nasty scar on her face but I didn't care,I was just happy she was there again.
I never figured out why I never thought of taking her to a vet!
maybe cause I liked her the way she was,with all her dirt and weird smell and nasty scars, she was wild, and that was that.

e started meeting again everyday at the window, she started "telling" me things I never knew, like how we all eat garbage like she does, we just don't know it.
and that if you're smart enough, you could become invisible and watch the world silently around you, and find out how foolish people are, and what a sad excuse it is for a world! we had so much fun talking, or just listening to the wind and crying.
It was a Sunday afternoon I
was holding my grocery and heading home, quietly humming a song about death, when I saw her at the other side of the street.. I smiled, and her eyes were brightening, suddenly, she jumped down to the street, and started crossing it running, not noticing that fast car coming out of nowhere. she didn't see it, I didn't scream, I didn't think, I didn't drop the grocery on the ground and run to her and hold her in my arms like they do in movies.
I just stood there watching her being torn to pieces, and her blood coloring the gray ground with sweet red.
I just... I turned around and headed home. and just like that, I was lonely again.

12th November 2008, 08:16:17 AM
Thursday, August 12, 2010
my unmade bed!lol

my bathroom

my new cute book case!

the door of my balcony with Yazan-SpongeBob-Square Pants hanging on it

my dresser

my cupboard,that's Zaina setting on the chair

and finally,the view outside my window ! :D

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I was asked to write an entry describing how Ii feel about Ramadan
I couldn't help but smile remembering this request in the dressing room when I heard them announcing that Ramadan is tomorrow,I was buying new clothes for Eid,and it was funny that this year I did and felt all the things I used to do and feel as a kid when Ramadan was to come.
I enjoyed shopping like a kid!I was a good girl all the time,I even waited at the window for Ramadan to come like I used to do because I was so convinced that Ramadan is a man who lives in the moon when it's in the shape of a banana and who visits us at home!
I so deeply felt Ramadan..even smelled it!and it's not just about memories,it's a season of pure worship,I'm so happy and honored with it because it makes me feel like I'm a good person..like I'm a strong one who's capable of leaving everything she loves for that period of time just because she loves her god.
It makes me feel the love of GOD..and that is the spirit of Ramadan for me,it's about my relationship with god as much as it's about the magical atmosphere it brings.
This year is different,I feel lonely...I'm not sad..just lonely,that's why I'm so happy that it almost brings tears to my eyes that Ramadan has finally come,it is still-somehow- in my mind, a man living in the moon and visiting me once a year,keeping me company :)

Upon the request of the tagger Ecosan I am to tag three people
I'm choosing Um Omar,Haitham and Foof,yalla sha3bero..
Sunday, August 8, 2010
and yet it feels like yesterday!

I think that expectations whatever they were will definitely lead to disappointments,I try not to expect much and not to set the bar too high,but I think there's absolutely no way to avoid it,if you look up to something/someone it'll just fall out of its perfect imaginary shape soon enough into reality...so I decide not to expect at all.

But what if disappointments are just a part of life?what if they have a flavor that no other feeling has?what if they form an important ingredient of this emotional mix we live every day.

Maybe disappointments aren't so bad after all,but you know what's bad??living with one.
Saturday, August 7, 2010

What happened is that I somehow pritended that what others expected and wanted from me was what I too wanted.

But from now on I"m doing what I want and I don't care if they judge me for my decision.

last night I had a dream,and even though my dreams are usually worthless,and this one probably is..but I saw in it what could have happened if I made the other decision...and when I woke up I was really glad that the opposite happened.

There's nothing more I can say about this except that I really love my parents for supporting me in whatever I wanted,and my friends who stood by my side also in whatever I decided :)

I'm keeping a record of this cause I owe it to myself that I justify my decision to it in the future if I forget,and I really don't care anymore about justifying it to anyone else.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010

It was absolutely and completely dreadful,never ever did i have a worse semester and i hope i never ever will have one.

it's sad,i would have wanted it to be nice and fun,but i guess we don't always get what we want.

this next semester is going to be my last fall semester...it'd better be good!

i'm applying for a job,so this is gonna be different,wish me luck.

how do you write a letter of interest by the way?!O_0
Monday, August 2, 2010

I don't know if I'm ready to to talk about this yet,but I miss my blog.
Those three days that have just passed left me exhausted,I don't know what to do now,but at least I made up my mind and decided about everything.
Couple of days ago Toto had this scary dream about me,she said she saw me getting stung by a snake,and then I was wearing a big pink dress,and my sister was pulling me from my hair to get me back inside the house,and then suddenly I got out and sat and I was cured from the sting..I don't know the first thing about dreams but something tells me this is bad.

I am really...sad!
I have never been incapable of defeating my negative emotions like now,I have never been sad for 3 days in a row!seriously..I'm not fun anymore!even I started to hate me!
I don't know if this is just a phase or one big change that I will have forever,but I hope I'll get my positive energy back soon! :(