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I long for freedom, and when I get it, I don't know what I'm going to do with it, but I will surely be happy.

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Thursday, September 30, 2010

I used to think that by being close to people..too close,they would hurt me..so I've always stayed away,always kept my thoughts to myself
But in reality when I eventually came to be close with someone it was the opposite.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I hear the flower’s kinda crying loud
The breeze’s sound in sad
Oh no
Tell me when did we become,
So cold and empty inside
Lost a way long time ago
Did we really turn out blind
We don’t see that we keep hurting each other no
All we do is just fight
Now we share the same bright sun,
The same round moon
Why don’t we share the same love
Tell me why not
Life is shorter than most have thought
Hold my hand
There are many ways to do it right
Hold my hand
Turn around and see what we have left behind
Hold my hand my friend
We can save the good spirit of me and you
For another chance
And let’s pray for a beautiful world
A beautiful world I share with you
Children seem like they’ve lost their smile
On the new blooded playgrounds
Oh no
How could we ignore , heartbreaking crying sounds
And we’re still going on
Like nobody really cares
And we just stopped feeling all the pain because
Like it’s a daily basic affair
Now we share the same bright sun,
The same round moon
Why don’t we share the same love
Tell me why not
Life is shorter than most have thought
Hold my hand
There are many ways to do it right
Hold my hand
Turn around and see what we have left behind
Hold my hand my friend
We can save the good spirit of me and you
For another chance
And let’s pray for a beautiful world
A beautiful world I share with you
No matter how far I might be
I’m always gonne be your neighbor
There’s only one small planet where to be
So I’m always gonna be your neighbor
We cannot hide, we can’t deny
That we’re always gonna be neighbors
You’re neighbor, my neighbor
We’re neighbors
So hold my hand
There are many ways to do it right
Hold my hand
Turn around and see what have left behind
So hold my hand
There are many ways to do it right
Hold my hand
Turn around and see what have left behind
Hold my hand my friend
We can save the good spirit of me and you
For another chance
And let’s pray for a beautiful world
A beautiful world I share with you
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
1- من أرسل الدعوة؟
الآنسة كيالة التي يجدر بنا جميعا اختراع اسم مختصر لها لأنه اسمها ماخد نص السطر 0_O

2- ما هي المواقع المفضلة لديك (كِ) وتزورها باستمرار؟ ضع (ي) رابطها و ما تستفيده منها ؟
First,I would like to say that I'm not really that much into internet,I am only very attached to my blog and that's pretty much it,I do have some favorite sites but I rarely browse anything,I do not even open my messenger,and my facebook is in up's and down's(mostly down's)but anyway,here we go:

Flickr : I love photography,I am not a photographer though!but it is so much fun to browse through photos.

YouTube : two things I love about youtube:
1.Recommended videos:which are almost always perfect for me!I found some of my favorite videos ever that way

2.related videos:starting with watching a video about South Africa and ending up watching an 80's video clip is super awesome!

Blogger :I love my blog!!I love reading it,writing in it,laughing at it!!if my blog were a man I would marry it!!:P
I also enjoy reading other people's blogs

FaceBook:I used to not like it,but then I found out that it was a great way to stay in touch with the people who were once close to me and for some reason stopped.
saying "hi" on facebook can save you the awkwardness in a regular msn chat or a phone call,and I love that.

-4Shared : I love this awesome illegal website!!I find the coolest stuff in it!music,books...everything

-PhotoBucket : it's my favorite pic's storage.

3- ورّط...قصدي حوّل الواجب أيضا إلى خمسة مدونين ؟
  • سمسوم : عشنّك مكتئب ، غيّر جو مدونتك شوي سنحك
  • MyGetaway : مشان أتعرّف عليها :)
  • ايكوسان :  واحد منكم يعني :)
  • أم عمر: قال شو الحمدلله ما لحقني الدور..و أنا شو بعمل هون اذا ما ورطتك يعني؟؟
  • دوومش : اسمنّك قاعد طول الليل سهران يعني
  • وفاء : من باب الفضول!
عيشوا هي 6 مش 5!

I am terrible at looking through people,I do not have that "I can-read-your-mind-through-your-eyes-ability".
I am rational though,and I usually try not to let my feelings take the decision about the person I'm taking the impression from,and I might be judgmental at times,but I do try to give them one more chance.
Today I was forced to be in the center of a first class cliché-situation,and my object was to take a look and JUDGE...just like that 0_O
Everyone started asking me what I saw and how I felt,I was like : "Nothing!" I do not know what I'm supposed to think now,especially that everyone-in spite of the choice being only mine and me being the center of the issue- is trying to affect my impression or force their perspective on me.
It doesn't really matter after all,at least for me,but I have the feeling that...no matter what,and no matter how independent I will be(or try to be) in my life,I will never be truly free with my choices unless I block the voices around me,because when the consequences happen,no one will take the blame but me.

By the way,I do not know-yet-what to do or what to think,but I could not be more indifferent about it...I can't help it,I cannot seem to be able to give a damn about anything anymore.
Is that terrible?am I going insane?
Monday, September 27, 2010
I've noticed that every couple of weeks I change almost the whole list of tracks that I listen to,so I thought of listing my tracks every time I change it,

  • La Camisa Negra - Juanes
  • Hoy Me Voy - Juanes
  • Nada Valgo Sin Tu Amor - Juanes
  • OMG - Usher
  • حب امتلاك - جنات
  • الطفلة البريئة - جنات
  • Para Tu Amor - Juanes
  • Yerbatero - Juanes
  • رسمي فهمي نظمي
  • Volverte A Ver - Juanes
  • Hay Amores - Shakira
  • Travie McCoy & Bruno Mars - Billionaire
  • Sixpence None The Richer - There she goes
  • Hey Soul Sister - Train
  • Adele - Right As Rain
  • Summer Wind - Michael Bublé
  •  وائل جسار - حبيت يا زمان
  • Caramel - Succar Ya Banat
  • Mary J. Blige - Be Without You 
  • System of a Down - Lonely Day 
  • System of a Down - Chop Suey

I've always managed to somehow dodge such situations,but this one is going to happen for sure!!!
I'm sooooooo nervous!!
I'm just really scared of the process itself,I'm terrified actually! :S
I'm depending on god to bring me what's best,only him knows,and I know he made this happen to let me know that I can still do the right things
Thank you god! ♥
Friday, September 24, 2010

This is post number 200 in my blog,I did the math(actually my mom did it for me) and I post 16.something each month,I obviously don't have much to do lol.
Anyway,every 100 posts I have to post something very special,last one was a favorite song,so I also wanted to dedicate this one for something that means a lot to me.
So here is something eternally outstanding to me : the book "sa akoon bain al lawz"="I will be amongst the almond trees" by Hussain Barghouthy.
Unfortunately I could not find it anywhere in PDF,but I do have the real book thanks to JU's library :)
It is not a book to me as much as it is an emotional experience,it's a journey inside this mans last days on earth
It's a story about being a human being,about life,and about hope
Barghouthy actually wrote this book while fighting against a terrifying enemy..cancer.
He had come back to his home town Ramallah-Palestine to spend his last days there,or have his closure like he himself said
I cannot describe this book enough so I will just leave quotes from it,let Barghouthy himself tell you about it.

بعد ثلاثين عاماً أعود إلى السكن في رام الله،إلى (هذا الجمال الذي تمت خيانته)نفيت نفسي طوعاً عن (بدايتي)فيه،و اخترت المنفى، و أنا ممن يتقنون (البدايات)و ليس (النهايات)،و عودتي،بالتالي،نهايةٌ غير متقنة.ا

فأدرك أنني شخصٌ زائدٌ عن الحاجة،مريضٌ متطفلٌ يمشي نحو مصيره وحده،بهواجس فردية،لست (زائراً)،و لا (معافى) ولا جريحاً و لا على وشك الشهادة،بل (مريضاً عادياً)أي لفظةٌ حائرة بين قاموسيّ الموتى و الأحياء،بين الولادات الجديدة في الطابق العلويّ،و بين ثلاجة الموتى في الطابق السفليّ...بماذا يشعر كائن قدره أن (يراقب)،ممنوعٌ عليه (التدخّل)،و يشمّ رائحة الأدوية،بدل الزعفران،بين 
ماذا يرى مستعمرٌ جاء من روسيا أو استونيا،ربّما،قبل سنةٍ فقط،حين يفتح الآن شباكه،و يحدق في هذه الجبال نفسها التي أنا فيها؟ماذا يرى؟أو ماذا يدرك من هذه الجبال التي تسبح في تاريخها و تبزغ منه؟لن ير حتماً،الأفعى الملونة التي تطير و تزغرد فوق الخرائب،و لن يسمع هذا الصوت الذي يبكي،و لا هذا السرّ الذي يجعل حتى مصاباً بالسرطان يمشي فيها في الواحدة ليلاً!لن يلمس التاريخ و لو كان عرّافاً،ليس تاريخي أنا،على الأقل،و لو كان الهاً.ا
و الصمت موسيقى.هذه حكمةٌ قديمة،و لكن قلة تعرف أن الصمت أنواع
قدماي حافيتان في الرمل،و أمشي،إلى الأبد.لا أريد الآن شيئاً غير الآن.بالكاد عندي وقت إلا كي أشعر بالهدير يغسل قاع ذهني، و لا شيء هناك سوى الهدير
السرطان رسام يجعل التفاصيل الصغيرة مرئية،و الحياة نفسها فن.و ما هي إن لم تكن فناً؟
و السؤال عندي،ليس متى أو كيف أموت،و لا حتى ثنائية الموت و الهلاك،بل ماذا سأخلق من نفسي،الآن،كي تكون نهايتي احتفالاً ساميا ببداياتي
لقد استيقظت الاشياء!لا تنم أنت!0
فأنا أيضا من أصدقائي
لغة المعافين و لغة المرضى لغتان بينهما حاجز
كنت أتخيل بأنني سأرقص إن لم أكن مصابا، أو أبكي. لكن لا هذا ولا ذاك ما حدث. وجدتني أميل برأسي ذات اليمين وذات الشمال، وأركض في ممر المستشفى، وأهتف: "أوه، أوه، أوه. حسين، حسين، شوف!"، أي كنت أكرر نفس كلمات آثر، لقد صرت آثر، ولم أعد أنا أنا. ورجعت طفلا، فأوقفني دكتور أمراض الدم في الممر، وأنا على هذه الحالة، وكان محاطا بمرضى آخرين، فقلت: "نيغاتيف، يعني لست مصابا بالإيدز". قال: "تقرير المختبر وصل: عندك ليمفوما" ( سرطان في الغدد الليمفاوية). ولكن لا أهمية لذلك، فآثر وبترا خارج اللعبة الآن، وأنا قادر على اللعب وحيدا مع القدر
قل لها، مهما حدث، إن زرتِني، سأكون بين اللوز! ستكون شمس، ويكون نوار يتطاير في الهواء، وتكون جنائن، ويكون نحل وطريق نحل، وحتى يأتي ذلك الوقت، قاوم
Thursday, September 23, 2010

بحثت في صناديقي اليوم عن دفاتر بعد أن قرأت في مدوّنة نيسان عن دفتر ذكرياتها،شعرت بالغيرة لأصدقكم القول!ا
نبشت أدراجي و جبال الألوان في خزانتي
و أصبت بحالة جزعٍ حين أدركت أن ما من أيّ خيط يصلني بما مضى لغير رجعة
أدركت فجأةً أنّني نسيت...كلّ شيء

الحقيقة أنّني كنت أبحث عن أيّ حالات نجاةٍ من نوبات سخطي على ماضيّ راميةً بكلِّ شيءٍ  إلى القمامة
لكنّني لم أجد شيئاً
الطوفان الذي اجتاح أشيائي حين انتقلت إلى غرفتي حمل معه آخر أثر

لِمَ لم أحتفظ و لو بنذرٍ بسيطٍ من الماضي في دفترٍ أو أي شيءٍ لأمنعه من أن يتسرّب من ذاكرتي المنهكة!ا
كلُّ ما وجدت من إرث الماضي كان بضعة صورٍ لي في المدرسة الابتدائية،بشعر قصيرٍ أشعث و وجهٍ يفيض بسعادةٍ أكاد لا أصدق أنّها ارتسمت على وجهي يوماً ما
أنا سعيدةٌ في حياتي الآن،لكنّه نوع من السعادة يشبه التشبّث و الأمان أكثر من أن يشبه تلك الفرحة التي تجعلك ترتعش حبّاً للحياة
و عدا عن ذلك لا شيء سوى تخيّلاتٍ باهتة عن طفولتي
من المفترض أن جدتي توُفيت و أنا رضيعةٌ في الثانية من عمري،لكنّني و بطريقةٍ ما أذكرها،و أشتاق حنانها و حكمتها و أشتاق أن يكون لي جدٌّة،فجدّتي الأخرى يفصلني عنها بحرٌ مالحٌ و ألف جنديٍّ مزروعٌ على طول الحدود.ا

ماذا عن النّاس الذين من المفترض أن أفتقدهم،الناس الذين من المفترض أنهم تركوا أثراً في حياتي و قلبي...لا أجد أحداً

أشعر بالحزن لأن كل دفاتري مزّقتها بعد أن فقدت الأشخاص الذين كتبوا عليها،و حزينةٌ لأنني أعلم أنّني سأمزّق دفاتري التي أحملها معي،الدفاتر تؤلمني لأنّها تذكّرني كم انا أنسانة باهتةٌ و النّاس يعبرون من خلالي و يمضون..و فقط...ا

ربّما لهذا بدأت مدونتي..لكي لا أنسى،أو لأكتب على ورقٍ لا يمكن تمزيقه،هكذا حين أتفقدها بعد سنواتٍ سأعلم من كنت يوماً ما...ا

هذه بدايةٌ فقط..لأكون بين اللوز.ا
Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I've just woke up on the sound of thunder.
Did I ever mention how much I love thunder?it's natures anger and greatness all at once in a small revolution of the sky!!
And then it started to rain heavily
Oh god!I'm so glad!
I feel like I'm witnessing rain for the first time in my life!it's ridiculous but at the same time... amazing!
Monday, September 20, 2010

ام عمر الجميلة،
كنت بدي أكتبلك كومنت بس لقيت اني رح ألعي كتير و انا على كل حال كنت حابة أدوّن عن الموضوع
و أنا عم أدوّر عكلمات الأغنية لقيت هاي المدخلة ل
blabbr girl
بتحكي فيها عن الموضوع
جد كلماتها كتير كتير حلوة و حكت اللي بقلبي
بس برضو عندي حكي كمان

يمكن كلمات هالأغنية بتناسبك و بتشوفي انو حقو يحكي هالكلام
بس أنا برأيي المرأة هي اللب بتقرر شو اللي بيخليها حرة أو لأ،مش ييجي هاد الأناني يقرر عني شو اللي بدو يريحني و شو اللي ما بدو يريحني!بلكي انا حسيت انو بناسبني هالوضع؟
كيف بيتهمني بالتقصير و انا لسة ما جربت
و بعدين معناها ليش درست انا،عشان اقعد زي البؤجة فالبيت؟و هي الشهادات بتتاخد لتتعلق عالحيط؟
انا أؤمن ألف بالمية انو الرجل و المرأة انخلقوا يديروا بالهم عبعض و يكملوا بعض
بس هل هاد يعني اني اقعد في البيت جارية عند رجليه؟

لأ و أحلى ما فيها انو بيقوليلها بلكي المديير حبّك
ما عنده ثقة فيها،ولا مفكر الناس كل همها شهوتها متله؟ولا مش واثق انها ممكن تكون بروفشنال و خلوقة و قوية بما يكفي انها تكسب احترام هالمدير؟مش ذنبنا اذا متجوز وحدة قليلة ادب والله

و بصراحة انا استغربت لما قلتي"
هيه سمحلها تتعلم وتكمل دراسه لأخر حلقه"
يعني كأنو عامل اشي رهيب؟احنا مش بالقرن السادس عشر ليش ما تتعلم يعني؟لأنها مش ولد؟و ليش ليسمحلها؟بتتعلم غصب عن راسو!!!!
أنا بقدّر انك بني ادمة بتتعب بحياتها و بحترمك لهاد الاشي بس برضو يمكن انتِ ما بيناسبك هالاشي بس في نساء كتير موفقة بين شغلها و عيلتها و مرتاحة
انا أمي اشتغلت و تقاعدت من شي خمس سنين فقط،و عندها سبع اطفال متقاربين بالاعمار و تنين منهم توأم
و ما بتنكر انها تعبت،بس برضو هي فخورة بالانجاز اللي عملتو،انها ربت ولادها و هينا كلنا جامعات أو بنشتغل و الحمدلله احسن تربية..و بنفس الوقت انها ساعدت في النفقات و وقفت زيها زي بابا بدل ما تتفرّغ ل"قلبو و عاطفتو و حنانو"اللي هي هاي الشغلات اصلا بتختفي بعد شي سنتين زواج الصراحة

انا مش ناشطة لحقوق المرأة و بكره هاد الحكي تاع حق المرأة في انها تسوق قلّاب
ولا عم أقول انو كل مرأة ما بتاخد حقها إلا لما تشتغل
أنا ببساطة بحكي : مش هاد المعفّن اللي بيقرر عني شو اللي بدي أعملو بحياتي ولا هو اللي بيقرر شو اللي حق للمرأة و شو لأ تبعا لرغبته هو
لأ و بيقرر انة بيكفي انك رئيسة جمهورية قلبي..و كتير عليكي كمان
بالنهاية بهديكي هاي الأغنية رداّ على محمد اسكندر:

One year ago I started this blog.

Now as I'm reading my very first post,it really surprises me how much I grew to like it and to like talking about things on my mind.

Now my blog is an essentail part of my life even though the people who know about it are very few.

It's a great relief to have a blog,it is a fancy way to whine,nag and gossip,also you ge to meet great new friends,even if they only existed in your virtual life.

I can not help but quote Wafa'a in her post about her blog anniversary:

"Writing is a therapy and since it's not common in here to see a shrink, i guess i found my shrink, there are lots and lots of things i want to do and get rid of and i hope that it will be here."

I'm not much of a talker in real life,and I never talk about my personal feelings or my personal life,trusting people or having faith in them is a really hard process for me,that's why this blog is like a diary that I can share with strangers..I always say it is much easier to tell strangers.

And it helps me talk more,express more,and be more open and pensive about my choices,it helps me think twice before I take a step because hearing yourself thinking is a great way to creticize it.

I would like to say as a closure that I'm very glad to have met all of you guys,and I really appreciate the comments and the support.

And to myself:I hope I will always have my blog,I really love it and it'll always remind me of what I once were and how I changed! :)

Happy Birthday bloggy!
Sunday, September 19, 2010

Why can't we just talk about the things that bother us?
Why can't we grab this someone we're mad at and tell him what's wrong?why do we have to pretend everything's alright all the time?that the problem will disappear by itself! 0_O

I don't get it,it would be so much easier if we could just let it out,but just we don't.

Problems unfortunately do not disappear on their own...actually,do you know what happens to them?they grow inside us into hatred,and by time we become grumpy,stubborn and horrible people who think they're always right...oh wait,we already are!

I'm not a great person and I do not like to lecture people,but this is really what's happenning and people are actually living their lives like this everyday.So no wonder we're a grumpy people as they always say.
I've nothing to say no more...I'm just upset!
Friday, September 17, 2010

هو الصراحة أنا ما كنت معزومة من الأول بس قررت أعزم حالي عند ويسبر
و بعدين أشرف عزمني (تحت تهديد السلاح)...لا بمزح
تاغ القراءة...
دقي يا مازيكا:

من أرسل الدعوة؟
أشرف محيي الدين

ما هي كتب الطفولة التي بقيت عالقة في ذاكرتك؟

قصص المكتبة الخضراء،مجلة أحمد و مجلة ماجد،القصص البوليسية(رجل المستحيل و الابطال الخمسة تختخ و لوزة و ابصر شو)،قصص ما وراء الطبيعة و كل روايات الجيب المضحكة تلك،كنت أعشق أغاثا كريستي،أيضا كان عندي مجلات و موسوعات علمية مترجمة كنت أقرأها و لهذا وصلت الصف الثامن أو التاسع و انا أعتقد أن الانسان كان حقا قرداً!!
و أيضا أذكر أنني كنت أقرأ في موسوعات الدكتور أحمد زكي

من أهم الكتاب الذين قرأت لهم؟
أنطون تشيخوف
ايزابيل الليندي
ماريو بينيديتي

ادجار الان بو
تشارلز ديكنز

أما من الكتاب العرب
زكريا تامر
طه حسين
غسان كنفاني
رضوى عاشور
عبد الرحمن منيف
غادة السمان
جبران خليل جبران

و في الشعر:
نزار قباني
ايليا ابو ماضي
ميخائيل نعيمة
بدر شاكر السياب
ابراهيم طوقان
و كثيرون..

من هو الكاتب الذي قررت أن لا تقرأ له مجددا؟
احسان عبد القدوس
ماريو بارغاس يوسا

من هو الكاتب الذي لم تقرأ له أبدا وتتمنى قراءة كتبه؟
كثيرون منهم حنا مينا
أنيس منصور
و جبرا ابراهيم جبرا

ما هي قائمة كتبك المفضلة؟
ابنة الحظ و ايفالونا-ايزابيل الليندي
سأكون بين اللوز و الضوء الازرق لحسين برغوثي
الهدنة لماريو بينيديتي
الاخوة كارامازوف و بيت الموتى لدستويفسكي
موت سرير رقم 12 و رجال في الشمس لغسان كنفاني
رسائل غسان الى غادة السمان
مذكرات غيشا لآرثر غولدن
أعلنت عليك الحب ورحيل المرافئ القديمة غادة السمان
ثلاثية غرناطة لرضوى عاشور
صهيل الجواد الأبيض زكريا تامر

الكتب التي تقرؤها حاليا؟

باولا-ايزلبيل الليندي
الرواية المستحيلة-غادة السمان
و أحاول أن أختلس صفحات من "العراق" لعبد الرحمن منيف

في صحراء قاحلة أي الكتب تحمل معك؟

كم من الكتب أستطيع أن أحمل؟

ارسال الدعوة لأربعة مدونين
اللآنسة كيالة

There's an ancient Arabic saying: "ايلول ديله مبلول" it means that September always ends with some of the autumn's light rain..
Well,sometimes it does,sometimes it doesn't,but this year it seems like it's already getting colder and it's only med September,I love winter so much
When I was a kid I was the only one in my class whose favorite season was not summer
What's there not to like about it?rain,snow,hail,sweet splashing mud!clouds,and best of all NO SUN!
The other day I woke up and it was chilly and nice and there were actually clouds in the sky!and I took that pic of the first glances of my sweet winter..
I just adore it!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Do I feel like there's no point of saying anything really...
I wanted to blog about so many things recently,but now that I'm facing the "new post" page,I feel lost and speechless.
Friday, September 10, 2010

I've never ever been interested in women's gossip,at least I've never been a part of it!
I come from a very very small family,my dad's family lives in Nablus and my mom's lives in a small village near Salt,we rarely ever mix with either,so I've never been invovled the the atmosphere of women living togather and not exactly getting along lol.
Recently and unfortunately I found myself in the middle of such situation,I did not know exactly how to act,but since it directly concearned me I decided I would try it out,yeah what the heck,let's try this cat fights I've always made fun of.
Turned out they're not so much fun,actually they are absolutely disgusting,I've never thought I would act that way in my life!!!
Gossip is something strange,it controls your thoughts(it's all you think and talk about all the time and I'm not exageratting!)
It developes into horrible and embaressing situations,it makes you feel like you're a part of a rotten conspirecy going,and at the same time you're really not quite understading why all of this is happening!!!!0_O
At a point you decide to quit all of this,you even feel guilty even though you know you're right,but the ways of getting what you want are repulsive,and then you find out that there's no going back,and that all that gossip you thought was harmless turned into hatred and fights in your family,and worse than all you've made some enemies :S Everything becomes awkward and no one knows what to do :/
I like the way my dad handled things eventually,I so wanna be like him one day!I wish I could be that objective,fair and pensive before making any crucial steps,I respect him so much for that!
I will never ever get involved in a cat fight ever again,I love my sisters so much but I'm not going to fight that battle with them,nope...no sir!
Monday, September 6, 2010

Well,I hope nobody thought te previous post was serious!!

1-I want to be a great translator,I wish I could be as good as some of the translators I read for,and I wanna translate literature not economic and legal crap..I wanna translate great books,I wanna be able to shift between languages and civilizations freely with my mind!

2-I want to learn as many languages as I can...and I want to be dedicated to learn them.

3-Someday,I want to have a daughter,and she will be my new passion in life,I will love her more than anything else in the world,and I will be her best friend,I will read her my favorite books and we will watch our favorite movies and we'll cook togathar,play and go shopping..I know motherood isn't all fun but I will try to make it as much fun as I can.

4-I wanna serve my parents when they grow older and I grow up,I will never ever repay them but I will try

5-I want to buy my own car(I don't want it to be baught for me)..after I get my license of course lol...I suck at driving :/

6-Read all the great books in the world...any book that's ever been listed on any great list I wanna read it.

7-I'm not so bad at writing,maybe one day I'll work on it and get some things published..I would like that.

8-To live my "happy ever after" even if it turned boring and normal(less than normal I expect),but I still want my princess kind of happy ending!

Now,I don't like writing about my real ambitions because I feel that obliges me to do all of them and I may not be able to,but since I already wrote the stupid version of it,I thought what the heck?
Sunday, September 5, 2010

NOT in order,here we go..

1-To lay down on grass in spring without anyone starring at me!

2-To try every flavor of icecream on earth!

3-Dance all the time every freakin' where...I have to admit this wish has almost been granted,I've been caught several times red handed...jiggling around,clapping my hands and jumping(embaressing)but I've always wished I could dance whenever I liked to,I lovvvvvvvve dancing,and apperantly that's not very good if you ever wanna live in the great Hashimite Kingdom of Jordan :)

4-To cry out loud,I hate that I have to hold my breath in the very few times I blow up crying,worried that I might disturb this secret agreement that we never talk about in my family.."We Do NOT Cry",we just don't!I've no clue why,but it just grew up in me that I always hold it and shed my tears silently..well you know what?I wish I could SCREAM it out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5-OK,this is like really stupid,but I wish I could sit with a bunch of guys in one of these playing cards sessions,I don't wanna know what they're talking about,it's not really a secret what guys are interested in lol,but I just wanna see what it feels like and why is it so much fun for them,I think I'd really enjoy one!

6-I have always,always wished I could be one of the actors who do the voices of the characters of children's cartoons,I absolutely adore cartoons,animations,manga and everything related to these things...and I think I'd be good at doing it,it would be so much fun!

7-I wish that in one of my also very few tantrums I could grab what ever piece of glass I could find and smash it on the floor,I imagine it would be great fun,but I come from a family that believes that the best way to let out your anger is to wash your face 0_O

8-I wish I could go back as a kid only for a couple of days...I'd play with every toy...every game,I'd run all day long,break things,shout in joy and tell the people I hate that I think they suck..:)

9-To spend an entire day eating pop corn while watching my favorite movies one by one.

10-To spend a couple of months on a ship in the sea with the one I love...this is extra stupid I know,but I like it

11-To be a part of the making of a great,great movie...that would be wicked cool!

12-To have a countless number of shoes,all shapes,colors and types of shoes...I love shoes!

List to be updated.

When changes happen..I mean when BIG changes happen,that's when you decide who are the people that you will always want to be there,the main players in your game..

People think-and tell me actually- that I am mean and I lack loyalty because I think that at every twist or crossroad of your life you have to decide whom to take with you and whom to say goodbye to,and leave at the side of the road,it is just the way things work,life goes on and people grow up and start new eras,they change and things around them change along..

But it did not go like that with my bestest childhood friends apperantly!I never thought I'd stay in contact with them all that time,especially after all the huge changes the three of us had throughout the years we've known each other

Our friendship always somehow found its way into staying there and being newer and lovlier than ever..

Even after one of them took the IT stream in tawjihi and the other took the scintefic stream,and I chose the literary stream,and even when we all ended up in 3 different schools,and even after each one went to a different college with a different major,and even when one of us got engaged and married,we still love each other and enjoy our times as if we had spent yesterday's lunch time at school togather!

I hope we'd always stay friends,I know now that some people come into my life to stay...no matter what.
Thursday, September 2, 2010

As always,I'm doing the same mistake of reading two books at once.
The first one is
الرواية المستحيلة"by one of my favorite writers غادة السمان
This book has completely taken me these last couple of days,Ghada Al Samman' style was kind of different than what I'm used to in her other books,but it's a great change,the detailed description of either places,feelings or characters is INCREDIBLE
One thing ir two though..

First,some of the sentences that the writer found they were highlights were printed in bold,I would have liked it much more if I was to choose what the key sentences were!I respect that she was maybe proud of some of them but I am the reader and I get to choose what the highlights are.
Second,I was sad I couldn't really feel what she felt towards Damascus because I've never lived there,I wished I could recognize the places and names she was describing in great enthusiasm.

Th second one is also by one of my favorite writers Isabel Allende,"Paula"...now this book is too sad for me now,it's all about goodbyes,and I don't really need any more goodbyes in the time being! :S
Isabel Allende has this magic in her pen that no other writer can imitate,and it's not just this book,she has a way of making a fairy tale out of everything,reading her books is like living an experience in another world,and not any writer can take you on a trip to Chile,China,America,Austria and a million other places.And this book is no exception.

Two amazing books that I have to stop while reading them every couple of pages to underline the beautiful words that do not leave me without being forced to re-read them many times.
here are some of the quotations I could not pass without a bow to beauty and magic of languages:

اللعنة على الشعراء،كيف يمكن لأحد أن يحبهم و هم مصرّون على أن يفتحوا الجرح قطبةً بعد أخرى"

لست بحاجةٍ إلى عزاء،إنني بحاجةٍ إلى الانفراد بصوت جرحي"

"ما زلت أذكرأسلوبها في تحريك يديها و تمشيط شعرها و مشيتها في ثوبها المنزلي الحريري الطويل عريض الاكمام...كل ذلك بكثير من الرقة المنسابة في نعومة مخملية حين تقدم لي فنجان الشاي المسائي،و يستحيل العبير سراً مغلقاً،و هي نقطة من ضوء مشعة تتحرك بين انحناءات الاقواس و خطوط الشرفات المتقاطعة مع الاعمدة كإيقلع لتلك الموسيقى الملموسة التي تتصاعد من الغبار المضيء لأركان بيتي إلى الأثير و تحوله من غبار الى حلم،و من جدران الى خرافة!"

"إنها الحياة..فرح و حزن على سطح واحد و عليّ أن أتابع المشي"

"كأن قدر أبوب بيوت دمشق أن تكون كالقلوب:لا تنفتح إلا من الداخل"

غادة السمان


"لقد أنقذ ذلك الكتاب حياتي،فالكتابة هي تفحص طويل لأعماق النفس،رحلةٌ إلى أشدّ كهوف الوعي عتمةً،و تأمّل بطيء.إنني أكتب متلمّسةً في الصمت،و أكتشف في أثناء الطريق أجزاء من الحقيقة،نتفاً صغيرة من الزجاج تتسع لها راحة اليد و تبرر مروري في هذه الدنيا"

لأن قواي لم تعد تكفي الا لمرافقتك في مرضك يا باولا،.إنك نائمة منذ شهر،و لست أدري كيف أصل اليكِ،أناديكِ و أناديكِ،و لكن اسمك يضيع في شعاب هذا المستشفى.
إن روحي مخنوقةٌ بالرمل،و الحزن صحراءٌ قاحلة.لا أعرف كيف أصلّي،و لا أتمكن من نسج فكرتين معاً فما بالك بالغرق في ابداع كتابِ آخر...إنني أتقلّب في هذه الصفحات في محاولة لاعقلانية للتغلب على رعبي،و يخطر لي أنني اذا ما أعطيت شكلاً لهذا الخراب فسوف أتمكن من مساعدتك و مساعدة نفسي،و ان ممارسة الكتابة التفصيلية يمكن لها أن تكون خلاصنا.لقد كتبت قبل احدي ععشرة سنة رسالة الى جدي أودّعه و هو يموت،و في هذا الثامن من كانون الثاني 1992 أكتب اليكِ يا باولا لكي أعيدكِ إلى الحياة"
ايزابيل ألليندي

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I was sitting with my aunts once,and they were telling me how hard the transportation has become lately in the city of Nablus.
And I don't know what I was going to say but my sentence started with "When the occupied lands of Palestine return"...and they all started to laugh at me!they were like:"darling it will never come back!at least not while we're still alive"
It was really sad,it is so hard,and they live in so much despair that it hurts them to even have hope!

I know it's nothing...but I will always,always have hope.

I've talked about this before I guess,but I wanna talk about it more since this picture gave me a flash back of what I went through not so long ago.

I hope nobody judges me,if you will I'd appreciate it if you would just stop reading and shut the whole window.

Some time ago I started looking into arguments on the internet,believers vs. atheists.
I've always so firmly believed in god,a blind,infinite,absolute and doubtless belief.I could never have questioned him if I hadn't read all these articles and watched all these videos,and then I started "thinking" Some of the arguments those atheists raised really made sense!I was shocked to even agree with them on some points,I found myself eventually wondering..yes wondering if all I believed in my entire life was a myth!that was completely terrifying It was coming out of my hands when my friend told me to just look for the answer.I've always believed that whatever you're looking for...you'll find it,so I started looking for god.

I read a lot,especially on websites.I watched videos on YOUTUBE,I noticed gradually that there was two different kinds of atheists.

1-They decided they were non-believers before they thought about it,or at least,in their search they were not looking for god,they were looking for the easier way,the one that would relief them from the thought of judgment day..or at least boundaries,they hate boundaries,and that's pretty much the reason they don't believe.

2-They were not looking for god in their journey,but they were not looking for the easier choice neither,they really gave it a lot of thinking,they know stuff! that's why they could intimidate you and make you feel like your case is a losing one,they have their arguments based on facts,studies and numbers,so you don't mess with those easily,unless you know what you're talking about.

There is a third kind but they are not really atheists,they are so to speak "agnostics",now those are tough ones too,they usually know stuff also,and I think they are worse than atheists because being in the gray area is much worse in my opinion,they simply don't know!

After distinguishing these types I started building my argument,I decided I wanted to look for it with my brain,not my heart,and in fact I was convinced,NOT by my own self,but by them!because I realized that when you look deeper into what they say,you can actually understand it and refute it!

That was good,but it was not enough,what woke me up to the ultimate truth was as simple as a slight fever I had,I was sick,and I unconsciously turned to god and asked him to cure me soon,and then I thought:"well,what if he's not out there?what if I'm talking to nobody right now!!" and

That question just depressed me,and it seemed like my mind refused it,and I continued on praying,and I was slowly believing with all my heart again,how could he not be there?that's just stupid!!

How would I live my life if I didn't believe in his plan,if i didn't believe he's choosing what's best for me,if I didn't KNOW all these bad things hide good beneath them,if I couldn't ask him for help and guidance every minute and every hour,it just makes no sense!

We humans are too week to be all alone,we cannot live like that it is just the way we were made,and who the hell are we to decide there is no GOD!

So simply I found god.

I remember once my friend Rachel said to me:"most Muslims I meet tell me they have ZERO doubt in Islam,and ZERO objection over anything in its sharea,and I think they are lying"
I told her that no one could have ZERO doubts in anything,and Islam itself encouraged us to look for the answers of our questions,and that yes,they're either lying or they're just in denial,they are too afraid of coming out from the state of blind belief and into actually thinking about it.

I am glad I came out of that state for a while because now I believe in god much stronger than ever,and I believed in him with my heart and mind with free well not because I was born an Arab Muslim

I know some people would judge me for that,but I believe everyone should look into themselves and think about what they truly believe in and why,because believing in only what others tell you will eventually make you weaker and not truly aware of the greatness of believing.