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I long for freedom, and when I get it, I don't know what I'm going to do with it, but I will surely be happy.

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Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Ohhhh my Gooooddd!! I still have a blog! this wasn't just a weird dream I once had!
Yessss I am ready to get back.. definitely.. probably :/

So, what makes me wanna blog now? well, it's Harry Potter..
It's just that I've been thinking a lot about my childhood lately, and it makes me really sad, I know I was so much luckier than millions of children in the world who had no home or food, but it does bother me sometimes.. you know, Arab kids, most of them I mean, are different from other kids, particularly kids of the first world, you see, our talents aren't a big deal, our interests are trivial things in life, and our wishes cannot go beyond getting good grades and getting married. One summer when I was seven I found a couple of mystery books at our house and I read them, and at that moment something miraculous happened to me.. a light had shined in my heart and mind.. the discovery of reading was my salvation and I loved it.. obsessed about it really, but I wasn't allowed to buy new books because my parents couldn't afford it, so I spent school days devouring the pathetically poor school library, and summer vacation re-reading the few books I had at home, I remember reading one 7 times.
I just feel like I missed on so much.. so many books I could have read, so many worlds I could have discovered, and there is still a hole in my heart that I can only fill with books that I longed to read as a kid, and this is why I am now reading the Harry Potter series with great determination, enthusiasm, and pleasure. I feel like I am the same child who gazed at books being sold on the sidewalk in Wast al-Balad so many years ago, and now I got the treasure I have always longed for: 7 books of fantasy and adventure! happiness itself ladies and gentlemen!
You know, this is one of the things that terrify me about having a child one day, what if I can't give them everything they want? what if they grow up feeling like they have missed on something huge like I did? I don't think I could live with myself if they do.

Off to continue reading, and by the way once I'm finished I am gonna read LOTR and Hunger Games :)

Good night ;)
Monday, September 1, 2014
The other night I was going home from Toto's house when someone hit my car and ran off.. it was so quick I couldn't believe it, they were parking and decided to just take off without looking in the mirrors.. without signal lights.. nothing, and I was the unlucky driver passing by. I parked a couple of meter ahead, and just one I began to fathom what had happened they had run off, I know it is extremely stupid but I suddenly burst into tears like an idiot, and it's not about the accident itself, it wasn't that serious and my car isn't exactly a spotless Ferrari, but I just hated everything so immensely at that moment and felt that I could do nothing about it, I swear to God if the driver had been decent enough to just park and talk to me I would have just told them to forget about it, but in this country you can just get away with everything.. I mean EVERYTHING. I forgot about the whole thing but I still NEED to travel so badly, I need a break from this incredibly sick society that I must live in, a society that feels free to deny people their right to do whatever the hell they want and then thinks it is any better that ISIS.

Today I did an interview for a small translation job with IRD, I hope it works out because I'll get to visit Za'tari Camp, I expect it will be hard work, but I would love to have this experience.

Lately, I've been trying to reevaluate my thoughts and beliefs, I think that for a while now, I haven't been as objective and rational as I would want to be, and I feel like I need to take a huge step back and look at the big picture.. see where I'm standing, I believe that one of the most important things that everyone should pay attention to (if they want to be true to themselves) is realizing when you are unintentionally looking at some facts and neglecting others, and then looking for the reasons behind that.

I am currently watching American Horror Story.. you would think I'd grow out of my addiction to horror themed shows and movies, but I just won't :D I am reading مهزلة العقل البشري which I'm loving, because it is just so direct, and I want something direct.. I'm too lazy to think after a day at work.

We are saving to go to Athens on Eid vacation, I sooo badly wanna go and hope we don't stumble into additional expenses, so I hereby pledge to restrain my impulsive shopping and other unnecessary fasganeh :DD here we come Athens!!.. well, maybe.. probably!

I am currently using my mother's technique in typing which is using one finger because I'm eating ice cream.. and getting the laptop sticky, I should get ready to go to bed.. or couch actually because my husband is on call and I'm too scared to sleep in the bedroom alone :(
Oh, and I wanted to remind myself about writing my bucket list later, although I think all the points on it will be "visiting [insert country name]" :D

I'll be back, goodnight for now.
Saturday, August 16, 2014

They paved paradise 
And put up a parking lot 
With a pink hotel *, a boutique 
And a swinging hot spot 

Don't it always seem to go 
That you don't know what you've got 
Till it's gone 
They paved paradise 
And put up a parking lot

They took all the trees 
Put 'em in a tree museum * 
And they charged the people 
A dollar and a half just to see 'em 

Don't it always seem to go 
That you don't know what you've got 
Till it's gone 
They paved paradise 
And put up a parking lot

Hey farmer farmer 
Put away that DDT * now 
Give me spots on my apples 
But leave me the birds and the bees 

Don't it always seem to go 
That you don't know what you've got 
Till it's gone 
They paved paradise 
And put up a parking lot

Late last night
I heard the screen door slam
And a big yellow taxi
Took away my old man

Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got
Till it's gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot

They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
This is actually the dumbest thing I heard in ages, and the funny thing is the comment has 55 likes!!

Here are a couple of dumb things I've also heard recently ( I swear to God this is real):

- I want to enjoy y life and do what  wanna do before having kids
-why? what other things could you do other than having kids?

- My husband told me I have to either quit my job as a lawyer or find a job with less work hours, so I became a judge!
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
It's been like four months since I've written anything here, and this is the longest it's ever been, so I am writing this post whether I have anything to say or not, just so to feel I haven't lost my blog.
It is 3 am, I am upset about several things that I do not wish to talk about because it is just pointless, I tried to write several times but I just didn't feel it was appropriate to publish it.. even though no one reads my blog.

I have been thinking about several things, including the fact that I never appreciated it enough when I loved my job.. when I actually did something that I deemed worthy and even remotely productive.. Now, and I realize I whine way too much about it, now I feel like I am stuck 6 hours a day in a physically sickening job that just sucks my soul out... oh! no more about that, promise!

It is Eid, and yes I still hate it, being married and in a different home this year didn't make it any better for me, I still think it is pretty stupid to visit people you never see the entire year, and on top of that have them visit you in the exact same day! like all I needed was even more social hypocrisy :/

Well, that's it, I am forcing myself to blog at least once a week from now on enshallah :)

Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Yesterday I was driving in Medina street, and the traffic jam was unbearable even though it was not anywhere near the rush hour. My car crawled slowly through the street until the reason behind the jam was visible and right in front of me, a car had hit another car from the back, the two cars, and a third one, were parked on the left lane. The damage was not grave, and a woman and a man, who were clearly the ones who had the accident, were standing by their cars chatting and laughing.

You see, there are many things that are wrong with us, we are what we are because of so many reasons, but I genuinely think that this is the core of our problems: Selfishness. People are simply so selfish they cannot see beyond their noses, they live in their teeny tiny bubbles and think that only THEY matter. They don't even THINK that they are getting in the way of others. That man and that woman were making one of the busiest streets in Amman a hell for people and they were simply standing there on the left lane and chatting. Was it really that hard to park on the right like sane people would? did they think for a second about the situation around them?

When I saw them I wasn't mad, I was overwhelmed with sadness and disappointment, why should I live in this horrific city and this horrific country? when am I gonna leave this shithole that we call home?
THIS is what's wrong with us: We lack the most basic principles of citizenship, loyalty, and civilization. THIS is what is wrong with us: We think we love our country but we only love ourselves. This is what is wrong with us: We are a herd of sheep that has no real values, and I have to live here..
I haven't been reading for a while and it was really unlike me. Every time I started reading a book I wouldn't finish it, and I would just be too lazy all the time. On my last birthday I received a tablet as a gift from my husband, and it had such a magical effect on me, I immediately started downloading ebooks and reading constantly like I used to when I was a teenager, and it is so strange because I used to HATE ebooks and think I would never ever betray my oldest and best friends, real books, but I did, and I know it sounds so silly but I feel bad, I remember how I used to sleep holding a book, and how I used to spend as much time as I can at the school library because books just smell amazing,and how I was the weird kid at school and in my family for always having my face buried in a book, and how my mom would be yelling and talking to me and I didn't have the slightest clue because I was so engrossed in my book, I was in a different world.
I heart my new tablet, and it is really helping me get back on track, but it's cold and it doesn't smell like autumn and you can't put little funny notes and doodles on it and you can't put dried petals inside it
BUT, it lights in the dark, it doesn't bother me trying to flip the pages while I'm lying down, and it's one books that is FULL of other books. I have 50 books in my handbag right now and that ain't such a bad thing at the end..
Now reading: Million Little Pieces, and Ten Days in A Madhouse
Thursday, March 27, 2014
هل تتمنى أن تكون مثقفا؟ هل حلمت بأن تكون شاعراً بوهيمياً غارقاً في تساؤلاته الوجودية بينما يدخن غليونه في مقهى ستاربكس؟ هل تريدين أن يعتبركِ الآخرون مرجعاً في الثقافة وبنفس الوقت مزة؟ هل أنتِ نايطة ولا تريدين القراءة ولا التعلم لتحقيق هذه الغاية
إليك سيدي/ سيدتي كيف تصبح مثقفاً دون ثقافة

اللغة شيء ثانوي جداً فلا تعره أي اهتمام، لا تأبه بالإملاء وليذهب الصرف والنحو إلى قعر الجحيم، كل ما يهم هو أن تعبر عن أفكارك العميقة وأن تبدو محمود درويش زمانك، وإذا صحح أحدهم أحد أخطائك الكثيرة فشكك به واسخر منه وتصرف كما لو أنه مخبول لا يفهم في الثقافة ولا يفقه شيئاً في الأدب والفن والحياة

جد قضية، أي قضية، واستعملها درعاً لأفكارك القميئة، واستغلها لإظهار مدى عمقك ووعيك واهتمامك بمصير الكون، ولكن حذار وإياك ثم إياك أن تقدم على أي خطوة جدية وفعالة إزاء هذه القضية، فالغاية هنا هي أن تظهر بمظهر المثقف والحكيم لا أن تدعم قضية  حقيقية، ويمكن أن تكون القضية أي شيء: الدين، فلسطين، أو حتى حماية اللغة والثقافة

ابحث عن كلمات كبيرة وصعبة ومعقدة واحشرها في كل جملة تتفوّه بها، ناقش الميتافيزيقيا في عصر السوريالية بين اللاأدرية والدوغماتية، وإذا سألك أحدهم عن معاني هذه الكلمات تظاهر أنه أحمق لأنه لا يعرف واضحك منه ملء شدقيك وألقِ خطاباً طويلاً يخلو من المنطق ويدهش من حولك بذكائك وروعتك

العب دور حامي الحريات، تظاهر بأنك تناصر المرأة وحقوقها ولكن احرمها من حرية الاختيار واعتبرها مخلوقاً ضعيفا لا يستطيع عمل شيء لوحده، واعتبر نفسك قديسا لأنك تسعى لحمايتها والوصاية عليها

قاتل الله القراءة ومن والاها، دعك منها فهي مضيعة للوقت ولا وقت لديك لتنهل من العلم، بل يجب أن تخصص جل وقتك لإغداق الناس بثقافتك وعلمك وحكمتك وروعتك..... إلا إذا كانت الكاتبة أحلام مستغانمي طبعا

وإذا لم ينجح كل هذا فعليك بالسياسة فهي منجاك الأخير، وتناول كل خبر وحلله ببصيرتك النافذة، واحبك نظريات عن مؤامرات خطيرة ومعقدة تحيط بنا من كل جانب، وتنبأ بما سيحصل في المستقبل وحاكم شعوبا بأكملها واعتبر كل ما يفعلونه أوامر من جهات عليا مجهولة

إذا هُزمت في جدال، فشخصن الأمور، واجعل النقاش يتمحور حول الشخص الآخر، ووجه إليه النقد اللاذع واطرح عليه أسئلة مثل: وانت شو عملت للعالم والناس؟ وانت شو بيعرفك؟ وانت شو دورك؟ وانت شو مصلحتك؟

 وأخيراً، عبر عن رأيك في كل شيء، لا تترك شيئاً يفلت من قلمك المبدع. منعوا الأراجيل؟ اكتب مقالاً، أخروا الساعة؟ اكتب ستاتس طويل، أكلت برغر؟ اكتب قصة حياة البقرة التي كانت مصدر لحمة البرغر وأقم احتفالاً لتوقيع كتابك، ولا تنس أن تحشو مقالاتك وقصصك و"رواياتك" بزبالتك النفسية وعقدك وتعصبك الجنسي أو الفكري أو العرقي بإطار منمق

ولا تقلق عزيزي فستجد الدعم.. كل الدعم من المجتمع المحلي والمؤسسات الرسمية، فقد وصل المجتمع إلى درجة من العقم الفكري سلبته القدرة على تقييم الفنان وتمييز المبدع الحقيقي، وإذا كنتِ مزة عزيزتي فستصبحين أعظم كاتبة في عصرنا هذا مع أنك لم تعملي يوماً في حياتك ولم تجني شيئاً بيديكِ ولا تعرفين شيئاً عن العمل الجاد والإخلاص يا أميرة بابا المدللة

Sunday, January 26, 2014
You see I know I've been neglecting you, my poor blog, but the thing is I've been suffering from a severe case of inspiration deficiency, this is why I'm a bit glad I'm changing jobs next week, although I'm freaking out inside my head, and I already miss working at Forbes, but I could really use a change of atmosphere and routine. Also, I hate when things go by undocumented, even if they're a bit monotonous.. okay I didn't realize I know this word but whatever.

Speaking of inspiration I heard all kinds of great things about this new animation movie Frozen, and I was excited to watch it cause it's been so long since I've seen a really good animation movie, but I was really disappointed, I didn't find it worthy of all the praise, and definitely not an academy award nomination, I thought it was a 'cute' movie at best, but not great that's for sure.. I mean Shrek is great, Finding Nemo is great, but Frozen? I don't think so. I didn't like the song either, which has gone super viral too. I hope The Croods wins, it was much better.

For a while now, my husband and I were hoping he could get a job in another country, but a couple of days ago we found out that it didn't work out. I'm just so disappointed and angry, not just because it was such a good opportunity for him to advance academically, but also because I am dying to get out of Jordan, I know this is SUPER selfish of me, I mean it should be about him and the opportunity he could have gotten, but I just need to miss Jordan, remember the good things about it, compare it to another thing, because these days I just can't stand it, it is going from bad to worse, everything around me makes me sick to my stomach, and I just want an opportunity to live in a better place.. or at least find out that I was wrong and that there is nothing like home.. I've just been feeling like the magic is gone, just sucked out of the world around me, and I really need to like and trust people again, you know? see people being nice to each other, people who are thoughtful, people who are smart, and people who aren't so god damn judgmental.

My next project: baking cookies. The other day it came up and an American friend said that this is the first thing American girls do with their moms, I told her the first thing we do is pick mulukheyeh, which is fun too but not as delicious. So, I decided to teach myself how to bake chocolate chip cookies. I'm following the Nestle recipe, but if anyone -ever- is still reading this and has a better recipe, please share. I will post pictures :)

Hmm, what else? Oh, anyone out there, if you haven't seen Gravity you NEEEED to watch it now, it is incredible and I hope Sandra Bullock gets an Oscar for it, she earned it. And also, the Desolation of Smaug was amazing. Oh and you know how much I love zombies, I have watched every single zombie movie or series out there, but this one "Warm Bodies" blew me away, cause I never thought of zombies this way, I absolutely loved it and I think I'm gonna be more compassionate with zombies from now on :P

That's it I guess. I really don't have anything to say, but I hate seeing my archive all empty with nothing but the photographic diary posts, I'm thinking I should stop them at least for a while cause I have the feeling they are making me take photos of things instead of writing about them, which is not really bad, but I do wanna write sometimes.. I need to!

Note: On my first day at work I had to go there and go back home and then I lost my phone in the cab and went over to my in laws' house (woke them up in the morning) to call my husband and tell him to call my phone and take it from the cab driver. This is NOT my day -_-

Here is a song that I love:

Friday, January 10, 2014
Something weird is happening.. I think I do not like winter anymore. I think I'm sick and tired of being cold all the time, too lazy to do my chores cause it's freezing, stuck on the couch in my living room all the time, and wearing several layers of clothes, while shivering, every morning before going to work. It has just become too hard for me to like it! and Amman's shitty roads aren't helping either.

Last month, we were stuck at home for about 10 days because of the snow, it was nice until we just ran out of things to eat and movies to watch! This is why most pictures this month are either of snow or food. I gained weight by the way, hope you're happy mom!

I got a new job, better hours and better pay, I'm happy but very nervous and worried, I hope everything goes well. I change jobs way too often don't I? as I always say to people, especially at interviews, I never planned for this to happen, it just did. I start on 26th of January.

Today I complete three months of marriage, best thing I ever did :) My husband and I have so much planned and we're hoping for the best. By the way, I am not even gonna talk about people who keep asking me if I am pregnant or planning on getting pregnant anytime soon.. I think this is too dumb to even mention, I cannot imagine why people feel like they can tell me what to do especially about something like this, it is just beyond me.

Have you ever read a book and then when you finished it you wished you could forget it so you can read it again and have the same feelings over and over again? I miss this feeling.

Well, this is all I have for now. Here is December: